What to say:
Here are some key messages to make clear when you are discussing the situation with her:
- Domestic violence is totally unacceptable. Every woman has the right to live her life free of violence, abuse, intimidation and fear
- Domestic violence is very common. One woman in 4 experiences domestic violence at some point in her life
- Domestic violence is very dangerous. Each week in the UK, 2 women are killed by a partner or ex-partner
- Domestic violence is not just about individual men abusing individual women. It is also about the systematic abuse and oppression of women in the society in which we live
- Domestic violence is about power and control. Abusive, violent and sexually abusive behaviour is wide-ranging and subtle in what it tries to achieve
- Domestic violence is intentional and instrumental behaviour. It is about scaring a woman into doing something that she doesn't want to do, or scaring her out of doing something that she does want to do
- The abuser is 100% responsible for his abuse. Alcohol, culture or unemployment are not excuses. His behaviour is a problem of his. It is not your fault. No woman deserves to be abused, regardless of what she says or does
- A man can change if he wants to. His behaviour is within his control and he can choose to stop. It is not within your power or responsibility to make him behave differently
- You cannot change him. He himself is the only person who can stop his violence
- You don't have to put up with it. A woman has the right to safety and respect, to put herself and her children first and to focus on her needs
- You can increase your safety. If the man is intent on being violent, you will not be able to stop him
- However, there are things you can do to increase her safety. Contact any of the specialist support services including the National Domestic Violence Help line or visit the BBC website for some ideas